


To None but Us

by ferric



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:38:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferric/pseuds/ferric
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short snippets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda was going to beat the annoying silence out of Allen. Takes place in Chapter 156 and 157 of D. Gray-Man, after HQ was attacked. Flashback is from Chapter 14.

Kanda found Allen first, after the attack was over. HQ was in pieces, but Allen Walker, even though he was suffering minor wounds (minor in comparison to the dead), was even more tattered than the rubble surrounding him. The stone column behind Allen seemed to support all of his weight.

Allen's left hand laid limply by his side, useless. Silence and the stink of death wrapped around his shoulders like a cloak.

He didn't say anything when Kanda approached him, so Kanda felt no obligation to talk. Comforting children wasn't his job. Besides, Allen was in the self-blaming mode, and Kanda didn't want to get in the way.

The silence grew between them.

The guilt clinging on Allen's face was as disgusting as the Akuma's curse mark next to it, heavy with the shame and self-hate that Allen foolishly believed to be love. Kanda didn't want to waste the effort of telling Allen this. Anyone who believed that an Akuma was truly his loved one deserved to die.

Kanda narrowed his eyes at Allen, who still had his eyes shut tight, probably replaying the instances where he failed to save people he'd probably only talked to once.

" _Because I am a small man,_

_my heart is moved by what's in front of my eyes, not by what the whole world needs."_

Anyone who carried so much guilt and self-blame wouldn't have much longer to live anyway. People who didn't have the selfishness to see that their own lives needed protecting, people like him….

" _I want to protect everything I can!"_

Arrogant.

Allen Walker was going to die if he kept this up. This silent guilt would kill him, if not now, then soon.

Kanda bristly turned back and walked away, rubble and dust crunching underneath his boots.

He had no business with people who were going to die.

 

 

***

***

***

 

 

The infirmary was too loud with silence. Everyone was quietly asleep, saved for Allen, who was in the bed next to him, silently drowning himself in guilt.

Kanda cursed the people who had no insight and put him in the bed next to Allen.

Even though he was exhausted to the bone, Kanda felt restless, his guts twisting with unease. His fingers twitched for Mugen, and he felt so agitated that he wanted to slice the damn bean sprout until the loud silence stopped, until Kanda could be left alone in peace once more.

Kanda hated people like him, people who were so arrogant they thought they could save everyone, people who were so naïve that they failed to see that the ones needed saving were themselves. Annoying till the end, foolish till their death.

Allen Walker was going to die by his own hands, drowning in a pool of murky self-hatred.

The back of Kanda's neck itched. The broken window frames of the infirmary creaked back and forth, smacking roughly against the brick wall whenever the wind howled past. The damn heavy curtains wouldn't stop rustling, and at a distance, Kanda could hear the flapping wings of crows, probably flying eagerly at the smell of death. The whole world was so god damn loud. Most irritating of all, however, was the imposed silence that the damn bean sprout was twisting into a noose around his neck.

Unable to take it anymore, and not giving a damn that he might wake the others up, Kanda rose from his bed. The mattress creaked loudly underneath him as he pulled his boots on.

Allen gave him no heed until Kanda grabbed Allen's boots from the floor and threw them at his face.

"Wha—" Allen spluttered in surprise before hissing. "What the hell, Kanda?"

"Fight me," Kanda ordered, heading to the doors, not checking to see if Allen was following him. At least Allen was talking now. Talking was good.

Silence was giving up. Silence was for someone who was dying.

"Bean sprout," Kanda added for good measure.

"It's Allen!" Allen whispered angrily as he stumbled after Kanda and put on the boots at the same time.

"Che," Kanda scoffed, walking toward the training grounds, itching for a fight even though his body protested. Behind him, Allen hopped around until his boots were finally secured, and Kanda felt a strange calm settling when he heard Allen's footsteps rushing to catch up to him.

 

***

***

***

 

In the end, Allen's graceless and loud departure woke up enough people for a crowd to watch a show down between him and Kanda. Kanda didn't really care for crowding, but knew for a fact that it motivated Allen to be as loud and as annoying as possible (for Allen was a clown at heart), so the crowd was permitted by Kanda to stay. Thanks to the crowd, however, their simple spar morphed into a bet in which the loser would have his head shaved.

Kanda had no desire to shave his hair away, nor did he want to lose in a sword fight, ever, so Allen was going to be hairless whether he liked it or not.

Allen was a pathetic swordsman, making too many excessive movements, so even though he put up a good fight, Kanda was able to knock him down within fifteen minutes flat.

"Not bad, Kanda," Allen huffed, the wooden practice sword splitted into tattered strips in his hand. "I'm no match for you with a sword."

"Of course you're not," Kanda smirked. _You're no match for me, ever_. "Now let me shave your head."

Before Kanda could properly enjoy his easy victory, however, Allen grinned creepily like the cheat that he was, "Hey now, I didn't say I give up yet!" and before Kanda could brace himself for the attack, Allen took him by surprise with a twist of his legs around Kanda's sword arm, knocking the weapon from Kanda's grip and smashing Kanda face-first on to the ground.

"You bastard, you just pretended to be down!" Kanda gave Allen a satisfying sock to the face once he recovered from his shock.

"Foul play is part of a good strategy!" Allen hit him back with a hard punch below his jaw.

"DIE! You fake gentleman!"

"Well, my master is a faker!" _What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

Their fight quickly dissolved into a brawl, and they only stopped once they realized that they were too tired to do anything but huffing and puffing across from each other, the original purpose of defending their head of hair's honor completely lost.

At the end, when Allen, spotting several good bumps from the punches Kanda threw, stood next to an equally decorated Kanda, laughing and pouting and being his usual annoying self with the others, Kanda felt the itchy restlessness that wound around his bones melted away. A calming peace settled over him, even though the others were being excessively loud.

"Thanks, Kanda," Allen said, bumping his elbow against Kanda's arm. He sounded relaxed, relieved, like he had finally snapped out of whatever idiotic noble silence of guilt that he was punishing himself with.

"Whatever," Kanda said, and absolutely did not smile back.

 

 

 


	2. Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were battles that Kanda couldn't win with only his sword. Before Alma Arc.

Kanda cursed his luck as he chased after the akuma while the rain fell mercilessly, clattering loudly on the street. The damp smell of horse manure and urine assaulted his nose, reminding Kanda of how much he hated Western cities with a passion, and chasing akuma in them even more.

This was a level two akuma, and it would have been taken care of quietly without witnesses had it not been for one graceless bean sprout, who managed to get bitten by the akuma in a public place. Kanda had to admit that it wasn't particularly Allen's fault since the akuma had attacked Allen first, spewing some nonsense about the 14th that Kanda didn't particularly care about, but blaming Allen in his head had become a familiar sport.

The akuma took a sharp turn at a street corner, and Kanda quickened his steps to catch up, but by the time he reached the end of the street, he had lost sight of the damn thing. Cursing his luck once again, Kanda headed down the left path, hoping that it would fall within his vision once more.

He wondered if Allen had any luck. They had parted ways, hoping to lure the thing into a corner, but lost sight of each other once the akuma hopped down the opposite way. Kanda hoped that if he hadn't manage to follow it, Allen would, and, if Allen wasn't being a heroic idiot and think that he could take care of himself, would call Kanda through his communicator.

But thirty minutes passed and the communicator remained silent. Kanda kept to this street, but couldn't spot the akuma or any sign of disturbance within the area.

It was late, almost midnight, and all was silent except for the heavy rain and the rowdy music and laughter of the nearby bars. Kanda paused in his track and took temporary refuge from the rain by the front step of a small store. His uniform was conveniently waterproof, but his hair wasn't, and he didn't bring a detachable hood for his trench coat.

Needless to say, he was irritated.

Kanda pressed on his communicator. "Where are you?"

There was a beep, then the sound of statics. A fuzzy voice broke through the bad signal. "At the church, west from where we were."

Kanda remembered passing that church this morning. "Any sign of the akuma?"

"No."

Kanda wanted to ask if Allen was okay with the bite mark of the akuma on the base of his neck, but decided against it. Allen sounded fine. At least, he didn't sound like he was going to die anytime soon.

"Regroup?" Allen's voice snapped Kanda out of his thoughts.

"Yeah," Kanda said.

"Where too? That bar again?"

"Yes," Kanda drawled sarcastically. "Let's go back to that bar where everyone had seen you get bitten by an akuma and the owner had kicked us out for the disturbance….No, you idiot!"

Even though there were a lot of statics on the communicator, Kanda could still hear the indignation in Allen's tone. "What? I won a card game! We were going to get two free rooms for the night!"

"Well, we're not going to get them now," Kanda said. "Thanks to an idiot who got bitten by an akuma."

"It's not my fault!" said Allen. Kanda had to admit that it wasn't Allen's fault, but he was wet and irritated, and so arguing with Allen was his anger-venting activity for the night. "Besides, without me, we wouldn't have gotten the rooms in the first place."

"What was that?"

"I said—without me—"

"No, bean sprout. That sound!"

"What sound? I don't hear anything."

"It's gone now," said Kanda. "Never mind."

"It's probably the statics of the communicator," Allen said.

If it was, it didn't sound like any communicator that Kanda knew. "Whatever. Let's meet up at that guest house three streets down, the one next to the bakery." It was sufficiently far enough from the river, which smelled like rotten eggs. It was also close to a nice restaurant, and had reasonable price per room. More expensive than the rooms above the bar, sure, but significantly nicer. Besides, Kanda didn't want to associate himself with the kind of people that frequented in bars.

There was no reply from Allen.

"Hey," Kanda said. "Did you hear me?"

Silence.

Kanda checked to see if his communicator was on. It was.

"Hey!" Kanda called out, but again, there was no reply.

"Bean sprout!" Kanda tested, but there was no familiar 'It's Allen!' retort.

He felt a twist of anxiety at the silence. Allen enjoyed talking almost to an annoying fault, and Kanda felt himself growing worried at the strangeness of this lack of response. There was a possibility that Allen's communicator was broken, but there was also the possibility that something had happened.

The rain had trickled down to a stop by now, and all around Kanda was silence, saved for the occasional _drip drip_ of water droplets.

Quickly making a decision, Kanda rushed down the street, heading to the church where Allen was. The damn bean sprout better not be dead before Kanda got to him.

 

***

***

***

 

 

The church doors creaked open without Kanda touching them, and a strong smell of aged incense and rotted wood assaulted his nose. He kept his hands on Mugen, body tensed for a surprise attack as he walked in, his boots clicking on the stone floor. The moonlight filtered through the stained glass windows in strange, ghostly colors, and, through the faint haze of ghastly blue, red, and gold, Kanda saw Allen sitting at the very first row of seats, facing the altar.

Kanda recognized that white set of hair anywhere. Allen had his back to Kanda, but even though they were the only ones in the church, Kanda had a feeling that he shouldn't call out to Allen and that he should be as cautious as possible when approaching him.

Kanda walked slowly down the aisles, keeping his footsteps light so that the clicking of his boots against the stone floor was almost inaudible. The closer he got to Allen, the stronger the sense of foreboding grew, the tighter was his grip on Mugen.

Kanda studied Allen's back, eyes scanning for anything that was out of place, but finding nothing. No matter how stealthy Kanda was, Allen should be able to sense his presence by now.

But there was no response from Allen.

Kanda took another step forward. He was close enough to sense that Allen was awake, but not close enough that Allen could attack him close range. Nothing was out of place, but there was something strange about this, and it wasn't only because of Allen's stillness. Allen's shadow stretched in front of him, trailing up to the base of the altar.

Wait.

Kanda instinctively drew his sword just in time to block the incoming attack with a _Klang_. His body moved by itself before he even spotted the enemy. But when he glanced up to see who or what had met his sword, he found nothing. Another twist of his guts, and Kanda swung his sword down left. Something met it with another _Klang_.

Nothing. Kanda didn't see anything.

It was as if he was fighting an invisible enemy.

Kanda adjusted his grip on Mugen, taking in a deep breath to calm the tension in his body. If he was fighting something that he couldn't see, he had to rely on pure survival instinct, but even someone with his training couldn't rely on this for long. If he kept like this, survival instinct could turn into paranoia, and that would be even more problematic than the invisible enemy.

Not to mention the Allen Walker problem, but something told Kanda that the two were related.

Kanda had seen it, the moment before the first attack came.

Allen's shadow _moved_.

Another attack, and Kanda quickly swung Mugen to meet it. He must have missed it by an inch because he could feel whatever it was sliding past his blade. Kanda jumped back when he felt something clawing at his shoulder, and he slid his feet back to a defensive stance, a good distance away from where he guessed his opponent might be.

There was a burst of pain on his shoulder, and Kanda didn't need to check to know that his uniform was ripped, and that he was bleeding quite badly from the wound.

The church grew darker as clouds shrouded the moon from sight. The colors from the stained glass window died away slowly, and Kanda knew that he was at a disadvantage without light. This meant that if he wanted to get himself and Allen out alive, he had to figure out what he was fighting, fast.

There was something strangely familiar about these attacks. They reminded him of sparring sessions with Allen, the sensation of Allen's left hand clashing against his sword felt the same as these invisible attacks. It was almost as if Allen himself was fighting Kanda.

Yet, Allen had not moved from his place at all.

Kanda would love to contemplate on the logic of this explanation, but he had no time. He had one guess.

"Bean sprout," Kanda called out, but didn't look at Allen's direction. He fixed his eyes in front of him, where the aisles between the seats had become pit black with shadow. "No, not the bean sprout."

Another attack on his left, but confidence kept Kanda prepared. He blocked it easily, and, making every second counted, he braced a hand against one of the seat bench and propelled himself onto the air, swinging his body past the shadow pooling on the ground to the front row of seats where Allen was. His shoulder flared up in protest, but Kanda quickly recovered his momentum. He blocked another attack and managed to push whatever it was back at least a few paces.

Just as he thought, Allen's shadow, which was trailing unnaturally up to the altar before despite the bright lighting, was gone. There was, however, a trail of darkness extending from Allen's feet to the pool of shadow that Kanda avoided a moment before.

"So you're living in his shadow?" Kanda said. He spared a quick glance at Allen, who wasn't physically hurt, but was staring blankly in front of him, unmoving.

A cold laugh rumbled through the ground, one that had Allen's voice, but didn't quite sound like Allen. It was only a cheap imitation. "You almost had it right."

"I'm living inside the shadow of his heart," the voice spoke, and the dark blob on the floor moved closer. "He's trapped inside the darkness of his own design while I devour pieces of his heart slowly."

"So you had him in an illusion?" Kanda said.

"No, nothing so boring as that," said the voice. "He's imprisoned in the darkness that he imposed upon himself. I just helped him draw it out."

"Bastard," Kanda hissed. There was only one thing that this akuma could have done to Allen, and it didn't even have to try very hard. There was nothing too terribly difficult about drowning Allen Walker in his own guilt. All the akuma had to do was reminded Allen of it. "Was that how you'd done it? By biting him?"

"All I needed was his blood," the akuma laughed. "I was growing stronger and stronger within his heart, you know, until he could no longer fight me. If you want to kill me, you have to kill Allen Walker first."

"Che," Kanda scoffed.

"You shouldn't have a problem with that, right?" The voice said, and Kanda swiftly stopped the attack on his lower right. "After all, you hate him. Killing him shouldn't be difficult."

Kanda didn't reply to that. The shadow attacked again, but this time, it was bold enough to grab his sword by the blade. Kanda attempted to pull Mugen back even though his shoulder throbbed in pain, but the akuma was stronger than he thought.

That was when he saw it.

At the corner of his eyes, he could see his own shadow trying to pull back Mugen. But most importantly, he could see the shadow of Allen's left hand gripping his sword and pulling it back.

So that was how it was. The akuma was attacking his shadow, and that was why Kanda couldn't see him.

"You should never let your eyes stray from the enemy," The akuma laughed coldly, and then Kanda was promptly lifted from the ground by his sword. He was swung back, and, before he could react, he was flung roughly into the air.

Kanda hissed in pain as his back smashed against the back wall and slid down to the floor. He could sense the akuma approaching him again, but he didn't move from his spot.

"What?" The akuma chuckled, in a hollow voice that was a pale imitation of Allen's. "Giving up already?"

"Disgusting," Kanda coughed out.

"What was that?" And Kanda could feel a cold darkness brushing against his face, as if the akuma was leaning down to look at him in the eye.

"I said," Taking this opportunity, Kanda immediately strike the shadow pooling on the ground with a lash of his sword, but the momentum of hitting nothing but thin air almost had him falling forward. Luckily, he managed to catch himself. The attack earned him a deliciously excruciating scream. "It's disgusting that you're imitating his voice."

Then, the akuma laughed.

Kanda frowned. The akuma was laughing when the screaming hadn't stopped, and that was when he realized that the one screaming was Allen, who was still sitting on that bench. There was a long, bloody gash across his chest, a wound that looked like it was caused by a sweep of a blade.

A sweep of Mugen, to be exact.

"Ah, I've told you," the akuma said, sounding way too amused. "If you want to kill me, you have to kill Allen Walker first."

Allen's head fell forward as he coughed out blood onto the stone floor, and he groaned in pain when the movement aggravated the wound on his chest.

Kanda swallowed heavily. He hadn't eaten much for dinner, but he suddenly felt a little nauseated.

"I live within the shadow of Allen's heart," the akuma laughed. "You can't get rid of me."

"So all I have to do is get rid of Allen's shadow," Kanda said simply.

"Don't be cocky," And this time, Kanda didn't react fast enough because he was lifted and flung against the wall again, knocking all the breath from his lungs. "You can't do it. You might as well kill him now."

"He's getting in the way of the mission, isn't he?" the akuma prompted. "Didn't you tell me once that if I get in the way, you'll let me die?"

Kanda blinked at the sudden change.

That was….

"You don't care if I'm on the verge of being killed," the ghostly imitation of Allen's voice echoed through his mind. "If you find that I'm a nuisance—"

"I'll leave you behind," Kanda finished for him, surprised that the akuma knew these words. But, the akuma was in the shadow of Allen's heart, wasn't it?

Kanda wondered if Allen still thought about those words, still saw Kanda as the embodiment of that belief. He wondered if Allen had expected Kanda to kill him, to abandon him, to let him be swallowed up by his own darkness.

Kanda would do it. He could kill Allen. It wouldn't be difficult. He could give Allen a swift death, finally freeing Allen from the blasted akuma and the pool of dark guilt that was drowning him. Kanda remembered the pained look on Allen's face as people died, one by one, all around them, the young and the old and the innocent because death did not discriminate. And Allen, stupid and foolish and naïve, had wanted to save them all, had wanted to save everyone because his simplistic mind couldn't stand to face any death. Allen probably wouldn't want Kanda to die for his sake. Besides, the world could stand to lose another idiot.

"I thought you don't like my way of thinking," Kanda said. "What? You're giving up already?"

"What?"

"Didn't you say that?" Kanda said. "On that first mission." The first time where their ideologies clashed. Kanda would never forget it. "You didn't like my way of thinking. Aren't you going to prove me wrong?"

Kanda was startled by his own words. He never thought that he had wanted Allen to prove him wrong, never thought that he was looking at Allen, waiting for something that would make him trust in others again, waiting for the moment where he could think ' _Yes, I believe you.'_

"Kill me," the voice said shakily, but Kanda could hear the hint of Allen's desperation, even though it wasn't Allen's voice. "Kill me now. Save yourself."

The tattoo on Kanda's chest burned, and Kanda thought of a friend, long lost in a sea of blood and lies, with only an intangible whisper of a promise left behind. Kanda thought of that wide smile and that childish face, twisted with betrayal and hurt, and Kanda thought of his own hands delivering that final blow until Alma's heart stopped beating.

Kanda could do that to Allen too. He could stop Allen's heart, and Allen would just become one of the many who had died in Kanda's path, nothing but a number.

Yet—

" _Let's be friends."_

"Prove me wrong," Kanda whispered.

"What?"

"It wasn't your fault," Kanda said, rising to his feet. "You didn't mean for them to die."

"Shu-shut up," the voice screeched, but Kanda knew that he was winning. Kanda had understood all along, the shadow of guilt in Allen's heart, that pain of loss, that feeling of being betrayed by god, of _please, don't leave,_ of _I'll keep you in my heart forever, until the day I crumble to dust._

No one had told them. No one had looked at them in the eye and told them that it wasn't their fault, that it was okay to mourn and be selfish. No one had told them because everyone was carrying that guilt too, that blinding shadow that festered in their heart.

"It's not your fault," Kanda said, approaching Allen.

"Shut up!"

"You have to live," said Kanda. He could see that Allen was coming back to himself because his whole body was shaking, his eyes shimmering and wet. "There are still people waiting for you."

" _Let's be friends."_

Kanda didn't think much of it before, but he was waiting for Allen too.

_Prove me wrong._

"I won't kill you," said Kanda. "Because you deserve to live."

"SHUT UP!" The voice shrieked, but the shadow that it shrouded around itself was gone. It was no longer an imitation of Allen's voice, but the real voice of the akuma, and Kanda knew that he had won. Allen's shadow slowly retreated, returning to normal.

The akuma, no longer able to live within Allen's shadow, stripped of its pathetic defense, stood before Kanda, eyes unnaturally wide with bewilderment.

"DIE!" the akuma screamed, heading to attack Kanda, but Kanda was ready for this. He pulled back into a defensive stance and—

The akuma burst into pieces.

Kanda stepped back, shielding himself from the explosion and the smoke with his arms. Slowly, when everything settled back into silence again, he wasn't surprised to look up and meet the eyes of one Allen Walker, who was finally awake from the trap that the akuma had him in.

"Thanks, Kanda," Allen said, retracting his left arm. He tried to smile, but it came out weird because his eyes were wet with tears.

"Che," Kanda scoffed, glad that Allen was okay even though his facial expression suggested otherwise. "You were being a nuisance. I should have let that akuma have you."

"You wouldn't," Allen wiped his eyes with his dirty sleeve. "After all, you were waiting for me."

"I never said that," Kanda said, bristly turning away to hide the embarrassing red flush on his face.

"You implied it."

"Did not," Kanda walked away, sliding Mugen back to its sheath.

"Did too," Allen shot back, and then there was a crash.

Kanda turned back to see Allen fallen over a bench.

"Ouch," Allen rose to his feet, and Kanda would have said something biting if he didn't see Allen wincing in pain with the heavy wound on his chest.

Kanda may or may not feel guilty for causing that wound. Turning back before he could talk himself out of it, he offered a hand to Allen.

"What is it?" Allen asked.

"If you don't want my help, that's fine by me," Kanda said, retracting his hand, but Allen quickly caught it.

"No, I want it," Allen said. "Thank you, Kanda."

"Whatever."

Kanda slipped his arm underneath Allen's, and Allen braced himself against Kanda's shoulder, limping as they made their way out of the church. He must have hurt his leg during the struggle, the idiot. Served him right for getting himself into trouble.

They made their way through the dark street, toward the guest house in the town center. The night was cool from the rain a few hours before, and the dirty stench of trash was faint now, mostly washed away. It was quiet and peaceful, and, dared Kanda say it, almost _nice_.

Of course, the bean sprout just had to ruin it with his blabbering mouth.

"You know, I didn't think I would be able to get out," said Allen. "But then I heard your voice, and I remembered that I had something important to do."

If Kanda said nothing, then they would return to a comfortable silence as before, but he was curious. "What?"

Kanda felt a gaze burning on the side of his face. He turned to meet Allen's eyes, bright even though it had seen death, hopeful even though it had seen despair.

"Live," Allen said simply.

Kanda turned back to the road, fighting back a smile.

"Yeah," Kanda said, and they continued down the road together, Allen's warm and lively presence by Kanda's side.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote these after reading the manga in 2012....But I recently found out D.Gray-Man Hallow is out two months ago! And I missed it! So I'm posting these here and hopefully I can get into writing more on these lovely characters.


End file.
